I have been struggling lately with my weight and gaining. I had for awhile been really happy about gaining weight because that’s part of recovery, but when you start not fitting into clothes that you love things get really hard. I have a huge pile full of clothes that I bought when I lost all my weight. They were clothes that I always wanted to be able to fit in. They were clothes that the “old” Suzannah never felt confident enough to wear.
Now they are sitting in my room on the floor, just begging me to wear them, but I can’t. My favorite blue dress is among that pile. I can’t even zip the back of it up and it is too tight at the top. People tell me constantly that it’s a great thing that I don’t fit into those clothes anymore, it means progress. I know it means progress but it’s so hard to believe it and keep it in mind.
A huge pile of clothes, representing the whole evolution of my disorder. A pile of clothes that have no use anymore. A pile of clothes that I still wish and hope to fit into.
When I write these blogs it’s so hard to not feel completely conceited and vain. I mean seriously, the majority of what I’m writing is about clothes and my weight and how I see myslef.
It’s not that I’m vain, it’s that I struggle with self-image, self esteem, confidence and how I view myself in general. My doctor as many other doctors I know have said that I see myself through a distorted mirror. Well that’s great but the problem comes with learning to see yourself for who you really. I have been in a recovery stage for what seems like forever. I still don’t see myself correctly through that mirror. Some days you wonder if the doctor was just saying those things to make you feel better. I look in the mirror and see myself and I am not comfortable with it. The body that I had is gone in my eyes, and a new awkward one is here in its place.
I struggle. A LOT. I have been trying to work on how I see myself. I look through pictures of myself. I see how I look. Then I see a picture with other people and all I do is compare myself to the other girls in the picture. I see my flaws once again.
I have a problem with comparing myself to others. I compare clothes, makeup, height and weight to others. It becomes a burden and it’s like a heavy weight being on your back constantly. I have to stop comparing myself to others, because it only makes things worse for me. It hurts the progress I have made, and makes me worry about my body.
I have listened to a song a lot lately called Mirror by Barlow Girl. This song really speaks to me right now. I think that the lyrics are something I really need to strive to believe. I can’t let what I see as my reflection define me. I have to keep in mind what Psalm 139:14 says : “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.”
Mirror by Barlow Girl:
Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
‘Cause Mirror you’ve always told me who I am
I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won’t define me
Sorry you don’t own me
Who are you to tell me
That I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won’t try, I won’t try
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes
of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me
Who are you tell me
that I’m less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won’t try, no, I won’t try
You don’t define me
My Odyssey 