Bluegrass Grill: Local Restaurant

Bluegrass Grill

Their website is:

http://bluegrassgrillchattanooga.com/page/hours

Today I got to go out and have a late breakfast with one of my great friends Brittany. We both love the Bluegrass Grill it is a great whole foods restaurant. It is an amazing local restaurant. Chattanooga has an amazing assortment of restaurants that use fresh ingredients that are from around the area. Bluegrass grill is a breakfast, brunch and lunch place. All of their menu options can be made to order. The food pricing is really good too. Everybody who works there is really nice and helpful. My friend Brittany has Celiacs disease (she can’t have anything with gluten in it) so she always has to be careful when we go out to eat. Bluegrass is always very good about helping her, and making sure their isn’t any cross-contamination with her food. They have so many extra options for people who have food allergies as well.

Food menu:

http://bluegrassgrillchattanooga.com/page/menu

Today I decided that I wanted to have french toast. It was amazing! I got it with and over-easy egg and bacon. You can choose whatever bread you want for your french toast, so I chose the whole wheat raisin bread. I have been here so many times and I love the food every time. My meal was $6.95.

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Brittany when with the option of an omelet. She got their Denver omelet which has ham, cheese, green onions and green peppers in it. She chose to have their home fries and fresh fruit as her sides. She loved it of course, and it was plated beautifully. Her meal was $8.25 they didn’t charge her extra for the fruit 🙂

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Now a picture of Brittany and myself.

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If you are ever in Chattanooga you should really try this place. It is a smaller restaurant so their can be a wait, but believe me it’s worth it.

🙂

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Wings- Birdy

Wings- Birdy

Wings by Birdy

I woke up this morning listening to this song and I love it.

Here are the lyrics:

[Verse 1]
Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watched the day go by
Stories of what we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you

[Verse 2]
Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the state
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you

[Chorus]
Oh lights go down
In the moment we’re lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly

Oh damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

[Verse 3]
I’m in the foreign state
My thoughts they’ve slipped away
My words are leaving me
They caught an airplane
Because I thought of you
Just for the thought of you

[Chorus]
Oh lights go down
In the moment we’re lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly

Oh damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

If these wings could fly

[Chorus]
Oh lights go down
In the moment we’re lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly

Oh damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

Scars

“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.”

-Carly Simon

I think everybody has some type of scar. I don’t just mean physical scars but I also mean emotional scars.

For me it’s my eating disorder. It’s something that I have that is present. It’s something that has changed me. It is something that I have been struggling with, but is getting better slowly.
Everybody has something that has changed them. It may not be something outstanding, or even something that has a crazy story to it. It may be something simple that really effected you. Or it could be a traumatic event.
I don’t think scars are a bad thing. I think they serve as reminders of our past. They are things that take us back to that event, time and place. They are reminders that we have gotten past it, or are trying to. That even though we have the scar, time has slowly healed it. Scars look so ugly at first but they slowly fade, they get light and lighter until they are almost gone. I think that so many times we can let something from our past hold us back, when in reality we need to just keep moving forward. I think that scars are beautiful because they show where you were and what you’ve overcome, and we shouldn’t live feeling ashamed or fearful of them.

College and Dreams

This school year in short has been a disaster. I am in school to be an elementary school teacher. I decided that after giving up on nursing school. It was a rash and sudden decision I made and I didn’t really think about it. I have continued being an education major, and I do not really like it. I love children, but to be honest I don’t want to have to be in charge of their education. It scares me honestly to think that I will be the one who will be starting their education, and if I mess up something that can effect the rest of their education. I mean elementary teachers are the ones who truly set up the building blocks to education.I am now a junior in college and don’t know what to do. People ask me all the time, “What grade do you want to teach?” and I get one of those feeling likes somebody’s squeezing your heart every time.

I went to college like many other students because that’s what my parents expected of me. Its what society is told to do. So I went to the University near me and didn’t bother to visit it or any other college. I just wanted the decision to be done and over with.

I always loved baking and cooking, but I never really talked to my family about the possibility of going to a culinary school. I knew exactly how they would react. They had raised me in a private school my entire life so they wanted me to go to college and make sure I get a degree in something. So that’s  exactly what I have been trying to do.

College has been okay but honestly I can’t say I have had much fun in it at all. I love seeing my friends and it was great freshman year, but now that we are juniors, everybody is just so busy. All of our schedules are completely different and we have different majors.The reason I say that this school year has been a disaster is because I got behind on checkpoints last semester. I didn’t make the check point in time to register for my education classes, so I am now a junior who is taking a whole bunch of classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my major. This semester has been awful, knowing that I’m going to the classes and I don’t even need to be. I decided I would take a few English classes…….not a great decision. I love English but I would not suggest to take 2 senior level english classes and two junior levels english classes at the same time. There are papers pretty much guaranteed every night. I don’t really like having to write all the papers but I have found my love for English to grow even more. Which has led me to believe that instead of going to school for Elementary Education, maybe I should just switch to an English major. I have always taken a few random English classes every semester, so I actually have more English credits than I do for Elementary Education.

I don’t advise people to take the path I did and give up on what you want to do. I chickened out of talking to my parents in the beginning about culinary school. As I furthered my college career I decided to talk to my parents about culinary school. I had been obedient to them about going to college so I decided maybe they would compromise with me.They told me that when I graduate and get a degree from something, they would be more than happy to pay for me to go to culinary school afterwards. So that has been my motivation for trying to get through college as soon as possible.

I don’t think people should give up on their dreams. I think you should go for them. It makes me wonder, what would have happened if I had been honest with them from the beginning. I wish I had the courage to have done that back then. I try not to think on that too much because I can’t change it. I’m just happy they compromised with me. Now I just have to figure out what I need to do to, in order for me to graduate. One thing I do know is that culinary school is my goal, so I can’t let anything else get in the way of that.

 

Cinnamon Scones

I was on Pinterest and saw a bunch of pins for recipes for cinnamon scones. I read through several of them and decided that they all sounded really good. I liked certain things from each on. So since I really love to bake I decided I would try and come up with my own version of cinnamon scones. They were absolutely delicious! I took them to Church and its seems that they ended up being a big hit among my college group.

So here is my recipe. There are three different parts to the recipe, the scone, the topping and of course the glaze!

Cinnamon Scones:

For the Scone:

2 1/2 cups flour.

1 teaspoon of baking soda

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup of butter (softened)

1 egg seperated

2 tablespoons of honey

1/3 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons of buttermilk

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1/3 cup of walnut pieces

For the Crumb topping:

4 tablespoons of sugar

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

For the Glaze:

1 cup of powdered sugar

3 teaspoons of milk

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla

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So preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

Combine the baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, salt and flour. Drop butter into the flour mixture until it becomes crumbly.

Next use the the egg yolk and mix it with the butter, honey, brown sugar and buttermilk. Mix it well and then add the flour mixture to it until it is combined. Then drop the walnuts in with your hand until it is mixed in.

Form the dough into a ball and put on a floured surface. Roll out the dough to about a half in in thickness. Then cut the dough into eight equal pieces.

Put the pieces on a baking sheet.

Whisk the egg white until it becomes frothy. Brush the egg white on top of your dough.

Next mix the cinnamon and sugar together and sprinkle it onto the top of the scones.

Put them in the oven and bake them for about 14 minutes. Cook them until the dough becomes a slight golden color.

Last is the glaze! Mix the milk, vanilla and powdered sugar together until it becomes your desired thickness.  Then drizzle of the scones.

Enjoy 🙂

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Love or Obsession?

I read a really good blog about love and it really got me thinking about it.

What is love? What is obsession?

I think for me I have often turned what I thought was love into a obsession. In fact I have been told that. Rather than truly loving that significant other, I use them to make me not feel lonely. I rely on them to make me happy to fill some kind of void, but that’s not real love, and it’s most certainly not healthy. The more I realize it, the more it makes me want to change what was and obsession into love. I know that’s terrible, I can’t believe I am actually even writing that.

It seems I have a hard time accepting love.

How can you show real love to somebody, when you don’t truly love yourself first?

I think that for you to accept the love from somebody else you need to be happy and content with yourself. You shouldn’t rely on your significant other to build up your ego and make you feel better, for that hour, day or week etc….  That only lasts for a short time, before you go to them again to try and fill that void that you so desperately want to close. I think that when you rely so much on them to make you feel content it turns into an obsession, and that’s a problem.

Now don’t get me wrong. I think that our significant other should give compliments and try to make us feel better when we are down. The problem is when that what you wholly rely on them for. That’s not love and it’s not fair to the other person. I don’t think that you can show that other person true love. I think often we try to find out our worth, or who we are after we get in a relationship. I think that often that leads to the relationship slowly dying out. I think that if we haven’t found out who we are, or accepted and love how we are, we rely on that relationship to make us feel better. We hope that it will be the thing to make us feel worthy. We shouldn’t find our own identity through our significant other. I know that in a relationship you and your significant other can help shape and change each other. I think that is different, because people are always changing and growing. That is different from defining yourself as ______’s girlfriend/boyfriend. I think that our self worth should never be found in our relationship, because that only sours the relationship. We often wrap ourselves up in the aspect of having a relationship and keeping it, rather than truly getting to know each other and loving each other, all the good and the bad.

I think that when you become accepting and loving of yourself, that is when your relationship will thrive. That is when you can show real love to somebody else.

 

New Year

Well it sure has been awhile since I have written anything. These past months have been pretty hectic. I have always been really bad about keeping up with things.

Well it is now 2014 and this year is a new start for me. I want to make a lot of changes.

I am still trying to get past my eating disorder. There are good days and there are really bad days. The progress I was making seemed to be going a lot better in the beginning. Now it seems I worry about every thing I eat.

I don’t know why I worry because I have stayed the same weight for almost two months now and fit into all my clothes still. Which is a good thing, because they aren’t too loose.

So many people have worries. Whether its their weight, hair, talent, money issues or addictions. We all have problems, we all have struggles. I have to remind myself of that a lot. That no matter what I am going through there is probably somebody out there who is having it harder.

My struggle is something that was self-inflicted. It came from the insecurities I have with myself. I see models and think “If only I could look like that!” I wonder why I have big hips, a big nose and whatever. Despite how thin I got those things seemed to never change. Its like a awful mind trick. I look at myself through one of those awful circus mirrors. The image that is reflected isn’t the true me.

My outward appearance shouldn’t be what I am so wrapped up in, but I struggle with it. Its something that I am slowly coming to grips with. When I say slowly, I mean SLOWLY.

Vanity can lead to a persons downfall. I know that very well. I let my eating disorder consume my life and let hurt me and my health. Its a scary thing what lengths people will go to achieve there goals. My goal wasn’t attainable. It was never enough. I always needed to lose more weight despite the fact I was way too small.

I just want to look in the mirror and not care about my appearance. I don’t want to care about whether my make-up is on right or if my outfit is in style. It doesn’t matter. I should wear what is comfortable and dress how I want to dress. I don’t need to worry about what people see when they look at me. I should be more concerned with what they think of me as person. That is how I am trying to think and I am slowly making progress. I know its not easy but progress is progress no matter how little it may be. With that said I can’t just give up, it takes a lot of work on my part and I don’t want to give up. 🙂

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What defines prgress?

Progress. (Sorry but I am about to rant, I need to get some of these things I’ve locked up out.)

What defines progress when you have an eating disorder?

I have apparently made “progress”, so my doctors say. I don’t feel like I have. In fact I feel worse than before. I hate everything that this so called “progress” has brought.

I am an emotional wreck. I try so hard to keep it all locked in and pretend that everything is fine. Everything is going well. Everything is just great.

It’s NOT.

I don’t like the weight I’ve put on. I don’t like not fitting into my clothes. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I hate the mirror. I hate the mirror with a passion. I hate the scale and what it reads.

I don’t think my family and friends even understand.

I hate having to constantly tell everybody that I’m doing great. When its a lie. A lie that I have been feeding to everybody. I don’t like pretending to be happy about it, because I’m not.

I feel that I was pushed into trying to get better, and once I got help everybody expected me to be immediately better.

I was for awhile. I think it was sort of a high from trying to take back my life, and to transform myself. The truth is, this sucks! It’s hard and feel as though I’m stuck. Stuck trying to be the perfect Suzannah now. I’m not perfect. I have flaws. I try so hard to let everybody think that I’m the perfect person they want me to be, but I can’t be. I’m not. I am struggling. Struggling so much. I don’t think they see it. I feel everybody is watching me. I don’t want them to be watching me.

I am not perfect, I am trying so hard to fight a battle against this disorder and the battle against myself. The scary thing is they are winning right now.

Every pound I gain makes me so angry. Every shirt I have to give away because its too small, causes such a rage in me. I can’t stand buying bigger clothes. I hate trying on things and them being way too small.

I hate the way a look now. I can’t stand it. I am disgusted by the way my clothes fit. I don’t like it AT ALL.

So how in the world can this be progress? It’s not. It can’t be. I don’t want to gain weight.

I am failing. There hasn’t been progress with me mentally. My emotions went from such a high and now they are just declining. I just don’t know how to let my family know. They are expecting too much from too soon.

It may be progress on the scale, but the scale wasn’t my only problem.

It reminds me of the quote, “You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.”-Lisa Kleypas

I am my own worst enemy. Until I can accept myself I don’t think I will ever have any real progress.

Struggling and Negativity

I haven’t posted in awhile. I had my 21st birthday last week, which was pretty cool and I celebrated with some great friends. But it always seems when some big event or party happens I end up left knocked off my feet by my disorder.

I just need to talk and let things out about my recovery. I have been really really struggling for about two weeks. Really seriously struggling. I had been doing well and then BAM out of nowhere I’m hit with these awful things again. I have gained weight and it scares me. It absolutely terrifies me. I don’t like it, and what acceptance I found in gaining weight has since been lost. I don’t like the weight I gained because I don’t like what I see. I have been so stressed lately and my emotions have gotten the best of me. When I get stressed I eat, I eat, I eat and I eat. It doesn’t seem like it will stop. I am like in a whole other world when I have a binge attack. I am just focused on one thing. FOOD. Nothing else in the world matter, just the food. I am not talking healthy food or anything good for you body at all. I am talking candy, ice cream, sweets, doughnuts galore…and the list could go on. I just eat until I feel like my stomach may literally explode. I eat until its impossible to even keep my food down. I crave the food that I put into my mouth and then of course I feel disgusted.

I look around the room and look at all the empty containers, wrappers or whatever and see all the evidence and traces of my problem that I have left behind. I can’t handle it all the guilt and awful feelings swarm my head until I do something to get rid of those emotions. To free myself.

So I then let myself become a slave, a slave to a porcelain throne. That’s just it. I am a slave. A slave to the things which I have been battling for what seems like forever. Letting myself rid the guilt and emotions. Ridding myself of all the junk that I ate. Letting myself become a slave to another thing, just as dangerous.

I then feel free and good again because I have “rid” myself of the food and emotions. A disgustingly dangerous game. I feel better for a time, but it doesn’t last long of course. The guilt of “ridding” myself of those things have crept its way in.

A cycle. A cycle that just continues again and again and again. It may be weeks or even a month before the next attack happens, but they just seem to always come back to knock me off my feet. To set me back on all the progress I have made. To make me just want to give up and give in to it all once again.

I know that’s not a solution. I know its just me enabling my problem. But it just feels so much easier than battling it and feeling bad about it.

I wonder if the cycle will ever end sometimes. I wonder if I will ever be back to normal. I wonder if I can find acceptance in the way I look in the mirror now. I want to look in the mirror and not see a distorted image of myself…I want to see ME. Not what I am distorting mentally.

I have read about so many others who have recovered from their eating disorder, but part of my wanders about them. How long do they go before they have an episode or does it just stop? Will this awful game ever end. Those are the thoughts that I have. Negative ones, I know.

The negativity is what consumes me sometimes because it just seems so hopeless, like I can never really recover. I let the negatives take over instead of looking at the positive. Like the fact that I had actually made progress and gained weight. That I wasn’t having many episodes at all. But the truth is I never accepted the weight I gained or the way I was looking.

It may very well be that my progress wasn’t even progress. That it was just a coverup. A coverup to please the people around me and make them feel like I am doing better, when really I wasn’t.

I was just pretending to do well, when inside I wasn’t doing well at all. I don’t like people constantly watching me and looking at what I eat. So I don’t eat much for a long time. Then when I get the chance I binge and eat and eat and eat, because I have let myself get so hungry. Back and forth, round and round I go.

I have to change the cycle. I have to somehow find acceptance in myself and my weight gain. I have to be more open and tell my family and friends what I’m feeling and when I’m struggling, because they love me. They want to help me, but it’s me that has to find a way to be strong enough to fight this.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I have been struggling lately with my weight and gaining. I had for awhile been really happy about gaining weight because that’s part of recovery, but when you start not fitting into clothes that you love things get really hard. I have a huge pile full of clothes that I bought when I lost all my weight. They were clothes that I always wanted to be able to fit in. They were clothes that the “old” Suzannah never felt confident enough to wear.

Now they are sitting in my room on the floor, just begging me to wear them, but I can’t. My favorite blue dress is among that pile. I can’t even zip the back of it up and it is too tight at the top. People tell me constantly that it’s a great thing that I don’t fit into those clothes anymore, it means progress. I know it means progress but it’s so hard to believe it and keep it in mind.

A huge pile of clothes, representing the whole evolution of my disorder. A pile of clothes that have no use anymore. A pile of clothes that I still wish and hope to fit into.

When I write these blogs it’s so hard to not feel completely conceited and vain. I mean seriously, the majority of what I’m writing is about clothes and my weight and how I see myslef.

It’s not that I’m vain, it’s that I struggle with self-image, self esteem, confidence and how I view myself in general. My doctor as many other doctors I know have said that I see myself through a distorted mirror. Well that’s great but the problem comes with learning to see yourself for who you really. I have been in a recovery stage for what seems like forever. I still don’t see myself correctly through that mirror. Some days you wonder if the doctor was just saying those things to make you feel better. I look in the mirror and see myself and I am not comfortable with it. The body that I had is gone in my eyes, and a new awkward one is here in its place.

I struggle. A LOT. I have been trying to work on how I see myself. I look through pictures of myself. I see how I look. Then I see a picture with other people and all I do is compare myself to the other girls in the picture. I see my flaws once again.

I have a problem with comparing myself to others. I compare clothes, makeup, height and weight to others. It becomes a burden and it’s like a heavy weight being on your back constantly. I have to stop comparing myself to others, because it only makes things worse for me. It hurts the progress I have made, and makes me worry about my body.

I have listened to a song a lot lately called Mirror by Barlow Girl. This song really speaks to me right now. I think that the lyrics are something I really need to strive to believe. I can’t let what I see as my reflection define me. I have to keep in mind what Psalm 139:14 says : “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.”

Mirror by Barlow Girl:

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
‘Cause Mirror you’ve always told me who I am
I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won’t define me
Sorry you don’t own me
Who are you to tell me
That I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won’t try, I won’t try
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes
of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me
Who are you tell me
that I’m less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won’t try, no, I won’t try
You don’t define me